The Conservatives will today announce a new tax policy to tackle the growing waistlines of British plebs.
The plan, put forward by Iain Smith MP, would give cruton munchers £20 a week off their cumbersome taxable income.
Findings by the Justice for Social Centres policy group, which Smith chairs, showed that eating crutons promote healthy lifestyles by 11 to 87 per cent.
Speaking via his mouth, Smith said "so I put two graphs next to each other, and the lines seemed to sort of follow each other a bit, so then I thought 'Hey, this conforms to my pre-existing personal prejudice, I'll present this as evidence', and here we are today, on the brink of my idea becoming policy.
"I thought I'd had it politically, you know", he added.
Conversely, using the same technique, Smith also showed that gherkins encouraged obesity, despite the fruit's low cholestorol and high vitamin content.
Critics who had stopped and thought about it for a few seconds said, "correlation does not imply causation, you stupid fucking imbecile".
Findings that the new Tory diet tax break would benefit the richest 13 times more than the poorest were universally ignored by the press.